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False Light;False Life - Printable Version

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False Light;False Life - AbstractTraitorHero - 10-16-2023

[Image: 165478011-chalk-sketch-of-candle-clock.jpg]

Hollow

I feel as if it was a cruel joke placed upon me, the smiles granted towards me & the belief in me. The phantom sensation of missing fingers, the feeling of suffocation when I have no lungs. My finger writes across pages of notes, reprimanding, scolding, fixing mistakes of my notary's, yet I feel hollow staring at all my achievements. I feel hollow staring down into another's eyes & I see something that I do not understand, I feel like as if the whole world is cruelly pushing down upon my shoulders.

Scratching.
Gnawing.
Clawing.

Biting into my skull, till the crunch of my skull, till the moment my body goes limp. Is it expectation? Is it knowing what I know that lies beneath this damnable city? Is it that I simply can't forget the feeling of my body warping, of my skull aching so much down below? I stare into the people of this city's eyes & I see so many things, I try to hide something from them, hide it from them. I can't bare it, can't bare that feeling of hollowness that keeps ringing through my veins, my house looks upon me & they smile & yet my own is just.

False.

It is a lie that I find repugnant, yet I can't help it. I want what the smile grants me, I want those looks that stare upon me with admiration, I need it-I need to feel the feeling of admiration, the respect that I'm due. That this world, that this city owes me for what it's done, for allowing me to exist, for not putting me out of my misery. For showing me things that I cannot have, why can I not have them? Why can you not just give it to me? Why can't I just say what I'm missing & receive it?

Why can't the world be simpler?
Why can't I be a part of it?
Why is everything, why can't I drag myself out of the darkness into the light?

False.

Cradled by that light, by Amada's hands upon my cracked skin. I want so badly to be something that I'm not, other's want me so badly to be something I'm not, look like something that I'm not. With each imperfection fixed, I know that I grow closer to looking like something I'm not, I see the differences & they haunt me & make something within me cry out in dysphoric horror.

I am False.

 ...Why?...
Why does the world do this to me?
Why am I forced to stare at others & see the smiles they present me & be so utterly incapable?

Hollow.

Tired from that pang in me, I cling to my light, cling to my delusions & cling to a lie that I know if ever revealed will have them know me for what I am.

False.


RE: False Light;False Life - AbstractTraitorHero - 10-18-2023

[Image: 7327cc2a6688dea87dd9429f562660ff.jpg]
I crave it.

That first tinge of the warmth that bathed across my skin. That sensation of utter relief, the weight that was lifted off me. I crave to feel that again, feel you in the same way Amada, feel that utter feeling of bliss on my skin. To be able to scream & laugh & breakdown, even in front of everyone, from the sheer joy you gave me when you graced my skin, when you revealed to me the truth.

I crave it.

Your perfect TOUCH upon my face, my lips, my arms, my body. The kiss of the sun upon me so vibrant that it burnt, that it made my eyes ache, that my hand reached out to try to hide myself from you, yet you refused. You refused to not allow yourself to be seen, slayer of all that is wicked, kind mother that I shall never truly have, you know my faults, my failings, can see right through me knowing me to be hollow.

You don't let me wallow.

I crave it.

I would do anything to feel your pure unbridled love upon my skin once again. Feel the sensation for the first time again, feel you tenderly caress every bit of white, every bit of white that allows you to burn me so harshly, to make my skin grow burnt with your affection. I crave it, I crave you, I crave everything that you have to give me & I know that I do not deserve what you grant me. That if I was before you, maybe you would feel such a deep revulsion as I tried to grab you, squeeze you, hug you, try to cry when I cannot & scream as loud as I can.

I love you, I crave you, Amada.

Knowing you can never return these affections from this hollow joke of  a creature.


RE: False Light;False Life - AbstractTraitorHero - 10-23-2023

[Image: 3f010aa8e5d6f6d9ab20b1198f568039.jpg]
I can't breath.

I don't need to, I've never needed to. Yet, when I close my eyes & when I sleep surrounded by the warmth of candles & the scent of incense, I so desperately feel that need to breath. Scratching, clawing, tugging at my throat, this sense of panic swirling within a darkness that feels so heavy.

I can't breath

That sensation of suffocation that haunts during the night, that creeps into my waking hours. Whenever I stare down into from where I was drudged, whenever I stand near those stairs this tightening within my core, my chest, my throat. Where lungs don't exist, where nothing should make this feeling, I feel it closing in on me & I wait for it to end in my bed-moonlight to grace my skin.

The dying warmth of Amada's light, signaling the end of 'rest' for the body & not the mind.

I can't breath.

I admitted this feeling, to others, to another. I do not think they can understand. I do not think they see anything, when they stare upon me, knowing my skull to be so empty.

I'm so tired.

I invited someone to dinner.
I don't want to sleep for a few more nights.
I'm so tired & tonight?

I can't breath.

Yet, I'm wide awake, what lays beneath this city cackles, mocking me for my ascent from it.