10-16-2023, 04:42 PM
![[Image: 165478011-chalk-sketch-of-candle-clock.jpg]](https://us.123rf.com/450wm/alhontess/alhontess2102/alhontess210200001/165478011-chalk-sketch-of-candle-clock.jpg)
Hollow
I feel as if it was a cruel joke placed upon me, the smiles granted towards me & the belief in me. The phantom sensation of missing fingers, the feeling of suffocation when I have no lungs. My finger writes across pages of notes, reprimanding, scolding, fixing mistakes of my notary's, yet I feel hollow staring at all my achievements. I feel hollow staring down into another's eyes & I see something that I do not understand, I feel like as if the whole world is cruelly pushing down upon my shoulders.
Scratching.
Gnawing.
Clawing.
Biting into my skull, till the crunch of my skull, till the moment my body goes limp. Is it expectation? Is it knowing what I know that lies beneath this damnable city? Is it that I simply can't forget the feeling of my body warping, of my skull aching so much down below? I stare into the people of this city's eyes & I see so many things, I try to hide something from them, hide it from them. I can't bare it, can't bare that feeling of hollowness that keeps ringing through my veins, my house looks upon me & they smile & yet my own is just.
I feel as if it was a cruel joke placed upon me, the smiles granted towards me & the belief in me. The phantom sensation of missing fingers, the feeling of suffocation when I have no lungs. My finger writes across pages of notes, reprimanding, scolding, fixing mistakes of my notary's, yet I feel hollow staring at all my achievements. I feel hollow staring down into another's eyes & I see something that I do not understand, I feel like as if the whole world is cruelly pushing down upon my shoulders.
Scratching.
Gnawing.
Clawing.
Biting into my skull, till the crunch of my skull, till the moment my body goes limp. Is it expectation? Is it knowing what I know that lies beneath this damnable city? Is it that I simply can't forget the feeling of my body warping, of my skull aching so much down below? I stare into the people of this city's eyes & I see so many things, I try to hide something from them, hide it from them. I can't bare it, can't bare that feeling of hollowness that keeps ringing through my veins, my house looks upon me & they smile & yet my own is just.
False.
It is a lie that I find repugnant, yet I can't help it. I want what the smile grants me, I want those looks that stare upon me with admiration, I need it-I need to feel the feeling of admiration, the respect that I'm due. That this world, that this city owes me for what it's done, for allowing me to exist, for not putting me out of my misery. For showing me things that I cannot have, why can I not have them? Why can you not just give it to me? Why can't I just say what I'm missing & receive it?
Why can't the world be simpler?
Why can't I be a part of it?
Why is everything, why can't I drag myself out of the darkness into the light?
False.
Cradled by that light, by Amada's hands upon my cracked skin. I want so badly to be something that I'm not, other's want me so badly to be something I'm not, look like something that I'm not. With each imperfection fixed, I know that I grow closer to looking like something I'm not, I see the differences & they haunt me & make something within me cry out in dysphoric horror.
I am False.
...Why?...
Why does the world do this to me?
Why am I forced to stare at others & see the smiles they present me & be so utterly incapable?
Hollow.
Tired from that pang in me, I cling to my light, cling to my delusions & cling to a lie that I know if ever revealed will have them know me for what I am.
False.
It is a lie that I find repugnant, yet I can't help it. I want what the smile grants me, I want those looks that stare upon me with admiration, I need it-I need to feel the feeling of admiration, the respect that I'm due. That this world, that this city owes me for what it's done, for allowing me to exist, for not putting me out of my misery. For showing me things that I cannot have, why can I not have them? Why can you not just give it to me? Why can't I just say what I'm missing & receive it?
Why can't the world be simpler?
Why can't I be a part of it?
Why is everything, why can't I drag myself out of the darkness into the light?
False.
Cradled by that light, by Amada's hands upon my cracked skin. I want so badly to be something that I'm not, other's want me so badly to be something I'm not, look like something that I'm not. With each imperfection fixed, I know that I grow closer to looking like something I'm not, I see the differences & they haunt me & make something within me cry out in dysphoric horror.
I am False.
...Why?...
Why does the world do this to me?
Why am I forced to stare at others & see the smiles they present me & be so utterly incapable?
Hollow.
Tired from that pang in me, I cling to my light, cling to my delusions & cling to a lie that I know if ever revealed will have them know me for what I am.
False.